And we wonder why we got a problem...

I'm a member of a CD forum, which one you'll have to guess for now, as I want to try to maintain a certain anonymity for some folks.  Yes, that's laugh.  I know it would take all of 5 seconds to figure it out.

There's often a bunch of things said on that forum that grate me and make me wonder just who the heck these people are.  In the interest of peace, I usually just hold my tongue.  This last week all of them all at once, so I have to say something... and that's not the place.

Yes, it's a rant post... take it as it is.  Here goes..

"Back when I was just a CD"

Wow.  There's nothing like one part of a group slamming another part of that same group to instil a sense of unity, isn't there?  Comments like these do nothing more than create a nice atmosphere of in-fighting amongst the people outside looking in.  There's no way that anyone is going to want to blanket support a group that hasn't even figured out how to get along inside itself.  What exactly are you trying to accomplish with comments like that?  You can say exactly the same phrase without the "just", and it means the exact same thing - but without the obvious "I'm better than you" division.  Get over yourself, and join the team.

"Unless they're in cowardly denial"

This is the one that really set me off.  It's true that a person that's TS has to be ready to lose everything in order to make the transition.  Everything, family, friends, kids, job, cash, the lot.  It's not easy, and I'm not making light of the struggles that your average TS goes through.  However, to call a person that may or may not be TS, but won't go through transition because of family, friends, kids, and the like cowardly?  Denial I can go with, but certainly not cowardly.  Let's compare:  a person that gives up everything to be themselves vs a person that denies themselves to maintain outside ties with others.  Let's simplify that:  A person that does for themselves vs a person that does for others.  Need it even shorter?  How about selfish vs selfless.  Cowardice is a trait that is much in common with selfish.  It's a bit like suicide really... it's easy to find something worth dying for, but can you find something worth living for?  Again, the point can be readily made without the personal attack on a core value.

"I am not a ________"

The whole label debate can be quite irksome.  Everyone wants to belong somewhere, and those that don't like this box or that one will make up a box just for themselves.  That's great for you.   The problem is when you try to work together.  I thought we were all trying to gain mainstream acceptance, protection under the law, and a myriad of other benefits that we feel that we're missing out on.  The problem is, we can't get that without a united front or voice.  We can't accomplish anything with a thousand different voices.  What banner are you supporting?  Decide it, join up, and belong.

I used to have a tagline making fun of labels.  Something about labels being for jars.  The point of it was about not getting your panties twisted when someone uses a label for you.

We spend a lot of time complaining that the LGB part of LGBT has mainstream acceptance, and that the T got left behind.  Wonder why?  It's simple really... focus.  No matter how many different kinds of "gay" there is (top, bottom, leathermen, sissies, bois, blah blah blah), they're all, each and everyone - let's hear it now - gay.  The same thing goes for the gals.  This focus brings media support, and suddenly being gay's not so bad.  But the "T"?  Where are they?  Scattered and dispersed.  I've said before that you don't have the responsibility to show your self and be counted.  I believe that.  But i also believe that you have the responsibility to not prevent that happening.

"Its not fair women can wear pants"

Women usually wear women's pants.  Start a line of men's skirts, and get the marketing program going.  If you want to fix it, all you have to do is arrange for 3 or 5 million of your friends to all go to work wearing a skirt at the same time.  That's how the women did it.  Now women's jeans are a multibillion industry.  Get in on the ground floor so you can rake it in!  Of course, as soon as it's a man's skirt, the fact is you won't want to wear it.  Besides, it's life, and it's not meant to be fair.  You should have figured that out long before adulthood.

"I'm a non-op TS"

Usually, I can "get" where the poster is coming from, but this one... I just don't.  How can you be TS, and choose not to have any surgery options?  Isn't a passing hatred of the dangly bits part of the TS makeup?  The usual excuses for being "non-op" - money and kids - can eventually go away.  Are you going to sign up then?  If so, then you're not "non" you're "pre", albeit on a very long waiting list.  If not... you might want to re-look that TS thing, and start thinking in terms of another acronym, perhaps one with "A" in it.

That's it... I'm all vented now!

Makeup Beginnings

I see a lot of posts on where to begin with makeup, I'm going to start makeup, what do I need, and so on.  I thought that since makeup is what started me down this road... I'd put my 0.02 out here.  Maybe it'll be useful!

First we have to get you something to play with.  How you do this will depend on how brave you've become.  When I first started, I bought this and that on the sly - mostly foundations - and took my chances with how it ended up.  It took 3 mistakes to get every right product.  You can't tell from the bottle, even if it's glass!

 If you've got no problem buying makeup for you from an MUA, you will save yourself a ton of hassle getting the right shades.  If you're just starting, don't worry about brands - cheap makes for more economical practice!

What, exactly do you need as the bare minimum?  Here's the list as I figure it:

1. Beard Cover (options are purpose product, full coverage concealer, orange-y lipstick can all work)
2. Foundation
3. Setting Powder
4. Eye Shadow Pallette - 2 or more shades in one box, made to match
5. Mascara
6. Blush
7. Lipstick

There are kits available that have all of this, except possibly for the beardcover.  The good thing is that the kit will co-ordinate with itself.  The bad thing about kits is that it's likely that it won't coordinate with you.  But for your first foray, it's probably not that bad of an idea to slap down $30 and get it all.

Many of these will come with it's own applicator, and counting your fingers for the foundation and the tube for the lipstick, that's about all you need to get started.  there's no point in getting fancy brushes, pads, pouffs, etc, unless you have money to burn.  You'll buy them soon enough!  And more colours, more shades, more products, a place to keep it all, removers, creams, potions... the list goes on.

Ok, we've made our purchases, and ready to go.  Now what?  The very first thing to remember with makeup is that you're not trying to cover yourself up.  Your beard, yes.  You, no.  The purpose of makeup is the accentuate the positive and de-emphasize the negative.  You are trying to turn you into you+, not someone else.  Keep it light and simple.

There's a ton of references out there for how to ue the stuff, so I won't add more unless asked.  For book suggestions, Bobbi Brown's Makeup Manual is the cats behind.  Making Faces is a popular choice out there, but I don't find as good on instruction.  It's more an idea generator, a picture book.  YouTube has a lot of things:  EnKoreMakeup would not be a bad place to start. 

If you'te totally bitten by the makeup bug, then the best thing a person can do is hit the makeup stores and get a lesson.  I've done that with MAC, and had a fabulous time learning and trying out a couple of looks.  Surely other places will do it too.  Call around and see what's available.

When it's time to take it off... cold cream, baby oil, commercial makeup removers all work to some degree.  Eyeliner's the hardest thing to get off (and notice how it's not on the list above?).  I've found that nothing gets this stuff off fast like Axe bodywash, but that's for "emergency" removals.  Something a little gentler for your face may be better for normal use!

How big is that closet anyway?

There is always a degree of wonder in CD circles about being "in the closet" or "being out."  There seems to be quite a bit of difference in what various folks mean about what being out means.  I think a few examples are in order?  I'm going to use "he" to talk about the CDer... don't get your panties in a knot!

1. We have the CD that only one person in the entire world knows about:  himself.  We call him "in the closet," and I'm pretty sure nobody will disagree with this.
2. We have the CD that has let his SO know.  Is he out of the closet, or has he dragged her in with him?  Is he "out" since he's no longer got a secret just for him, or has the closet just gotten big enough for two?
3. We have the CD that has let his immediate family know.  He also goes out and about en femme. However, he's careful to make sure that he only goes places that he'll not likely run into friends and family or workmates.  Is this person out?  I'm sure we'd have to say yes, since this person is just as likely as anyone to have to interact with someone else?
4. We have the CD that everyone knows about.  Friends, family, work force, everyone.  No question about a closet here. 

So, who's out and who's in the closet?  This is where I have a small issue with our "activists."  You know, the ones that figure we owe it to future generations to be, as they say, loud and proud.  The ones for which "closet" is a dirty word.

I'm a solid 2.5 if I use the above categories.  My wife knows.  I go shopping, wander around, have coffee.  I pick malls and the like that it's not likely that any family will be at.  I look different enough that even if I pass a workmate, odds are they'll not even notice.  Every person I interact with meets a "normal, everyday person"... that just happens to wear the clothes of a different gender.  According to the fraction of  group 4 people...  I don't do enough.  Does that matter?  It certainly doesn't to me anymore.  I'm as out as I like to be.

What do you do with the folks that want to be in the closet?  Not for fear, not for apprehension, but for a reason of preference?  For some, this is a sexual fetish and nothing else - should that be on the streets?  Isn't this really about being comfortable in your own skin so that you can do as you wish?  What's wrong with a 3 bed, 2 bath closet?

Whether we like it or not, there are many of us that have a real risk in being unconventional about some of the things we do.  It's not just dressing - it applies to a lot of things.  But risk aside, there's also a willingness to share.  My boss doesn't need to know that I like to wear women's clothes any more than he need to know what video games I like to play, or that I like to get the occasional spanking.  Is it not up to each of us to decide what balance in life to achieve?

I get a kick from those people that keep saying that we should all be out there presenting our real selves to the world in general.  Look at their arguments:

• It's not against the law - Well, sorry, but in many parts of the world, yes it is.  I live in one such part.  Don't tell me they don't exist.
• We have a responsibility for the next generation of CDers- I do?  Sure, I'll do my bit to educate when it comes up, and I'll do my bit within the community to help out the cause.  But responsibility?
• You should be proud to be yourself - that's rich, really... how do you know who I am?  Going to work in guy mode is who I am, so why should I change that to suit your agenda?

Back to the point.  Are you in the closet?  I've said before that being a #2 is a must, especially if you're planning on getting married.  I call it CD Rule #1.  Your wife shall know before yours and her lives become intertwined.  The problem is timing... it's easy enough to find success and horror stories about coming out on the 'net.  If you read some CD wive's comments, they can enjoy it, or resent it.  It's a big secret that you feel great about sharing... and she may feel trapped keeping.  But if you share it before she's backed into maintaining the relationship, at least she's trapped of her choice - if trapped is even the right word.  It's those of us who wait 15 years and 4 kids later that cause the problems.  Certainly, if you're in the group of #1, and want to move to the group of #2... you have much to think about.  Are you stepping out, or dragging someone in?

Other than that... live your life the way you want, and not the way someone else wants you to.  Don't care about the closet.  It's as big as you need it to be for you.

Makeup... Day and Night

No, not a how-to post, though I think I'll try my hand at one of those some day.

I wear makeup every day, even living in the Middle East, I'll have some on while I'm at home.  It's just the right way to feel about looking good.  Soft natural colours and a well blended application just makes all of those nasty lines go away and smooths out your skin.

My only real complaint?  When you live in a place where image means more than performance... makeup is just so expensive, and the tools doubly so.  C'est la vie, eh?

Life and Times Across the Pond - Part 2

What at first sight is a multicultural diaspora that puts Canada to complete and total shame is just a thin veneer on how things really are.  There's not much of a class system... more like a caste system.  And if you're not at the right level, you're total dirt.  What really gets me is that the dirt expects it.  I held the door open for the office tea-boy yesterday, and he had no idea what to do about it.  He was loaded up with a tray of maybe a dozen coffee cups... the door wasn't going to be the easiest thing to manage, so since I was there already anyhow, I helped him out.  He had no idea what to make of it.  I find that pretty damn sad that there are peoples out here that have been used for so long for so little  that a little kindness knocks 'em on their hineys.